Gretchen’s Great Work
A few months before Gretchen passed, she told me something I probably already knew, but to hear her say it, and to hear her say it at the end of our journey. It hit me hard with the force and momentum of her entire life—like how a gymnast sticks a singular landing. She said,
“The most favorite thing I got to do in my life was being a mom.”
This was not how her mama story began. I still remember the call. It began in tears. Not tears of joy, but tears of “what are we going to do? Are we going to be okay?” It wasn’t our plan to start a family at 22. It wasn’t her plan to be pregnant 4 months after the wedding… let alone to walk her college graduation, 6 weeks pregnant.
May 14, 2000 - How it all began.
And to be honest, our entire 20s felt like we could never catch a break, never get ahead, nor ever be prepared for what was next. And there was a lot to come. In fact 3 more girls—all before we were 30. I do remember feeling at times that we lived life on fast forward and perhaps skipped some steps.
I could imagine some people thinking at the time that we were not very wise. There was probably good reason to. I think if we asked most people what good sense would dictate, it would be something like:
figure out who you are as an individual,
make money,
find someone to marry,
figure out life as a couple,
make even more money, then
when everyone feels prepared, start having kids.
It makes sense, and there’s even some wisdom to this approach. It just isn’t really how life goes.
Wisdom and Time
Wisdom has everything to do with time, but time is tricky. We never know how much we have, or how it feels as it flies by. The psalmist prays,
So teach us to number our days that we may get a heart of wisdom. -Psalm 90:12
With my mom’s premature death, I intuitively numbered my days at 53 years. Gretchen never liked it when I talked about how much time I thought I had. It is uncomfortable to think about, let alone discuss with someone who loves you.
We all get moments to number our days—weddings, births, close calls, new years, memorial services. I watched Gretchen do the hard math so many times. There were so many times…because chemicals poured into your body for 6 years gives you time to rack up more losses…big and small. The hard math changed the way we lived, our decisions, our relationships. Not like doing a budget, but at the molecular level. That deep part of you…that part you don’t know is there…until it aches.
Gretchen numbered her days when she found the lump. When they cut her up. When she no longer recognized herself in the mirror. The prayer and promise is that by numbering our days though it come through pain, God will give us a heart of wisdom. Gretchen lived with a heart of wisdom. As she numbered, her focus grew sharper and sharper. She knew what mattered. Loving God. Loving Others. The very things Jesus said were most important.
…’And you shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength...’ ‘You shall love your neighbor as yourself.’ There is no other commandment greater than these.” - Mark 12:30–31
I hate how little time we had.
I hate how she did not get to finish what we started.
I hate that I am left numbering my days without her.
But one thing I love about Gretchen and all her now numbered days…
I am so thankful she did not wait to love—she did not wait till she was older, till she was richer, till she was ready–to love me, our babies, and so many in this room.
Love in Motion
Truly, Gretchen was never one to wait. Gretchen was a woman of action. She never sat down for long. She was always moving, doing, serving. She was love-in-motion. Always moving toward those who needed care and attention. She could sense how everyone was feeling in a room. If I saw in grayscale, she saw in full color. She was always present. With us. Listening. In the moment. She made it her ambition to love—to pour her heart and soul into each of us, but especially her little women.
Gretchen’s Greatest Work
Gretchen was a barista in the late 90s in Spokane, WA through much of high school and college. Back then, you really had to know your stuff. It was the time of grunge music, flannels, overalls, Doc Martens, and great coffee shops. She knew how to pull a great shot of espresso, pour the milk, crafting something potent and beautiful. In a sense, she just kept doing this her whole life, and especially with our daughters.
Gretchen pulled the best of her and poured herself out into each one—each according to their own flavor profile.
This may be an overstatement, but everything you would ever need to know about Gretchen is found in our four daughters.
She left no journal, no collection, just four potent and beautiful daughters.
And to my daughters, you need to know that your mama left an indelible imprint upon you.
You are your mother’s daughters. You are Gretchen’s greatest work.
You are her best blends. Each of you, potent and beautiful.
Just. Like. Her.
Words fail to fit Gretchen. Like pulling a dress or suit off the rack. They never seem to fit just right.
So with you, my girls.
So permit me some creative license in what I am about to do: To imagine you all as a complex coffee blends, potent and beautiful, that she crafted with an intense unconditional love.
Brigitta Marie
You are a bold and volcanic dark roast with an intense, smoky richness that captures all the loyalty and discernment of an ancient viking maiden. Each deep and brooding sip reveals a thousand stories of courage and conviction with a measured acidity that cuts through nonsense like a steel blade. A foundation of leadership that is not for the meek or passive. Made from deeply protective beans that have spent seasons roasting over burning coals, it leaves a lasting flavor of devotion and discernment on the palate. Best savored straight black to fully appreciate its intensity, it will awaken your inner sentinel and leave you ready to guard what matters most. For those unafraid to drink in the deep readiness required for defending hearth and home with heart.
Natalia Alise
You are a lively and effervescent medium roast that evokes springtime and new beginnings with its burst of brightness and floral aromas. It carries sparkling top notes of pixie mischief floating on a smooth base of compassion-like cream. Each sip conjures childhood curiosities and giggles while warming you with nurturance from the inside out. Tart currant and raspberry hints mingle with oranges and spun sugar for a friendly acidity that delights the senses. As comforting as a favorite blanket yet as inspirational as a magical spell, it mysteriously transports people to imaginative realms where creativity is awakened and bonds between even the most unlikely friends are formed. Carrying the legacy of nurturers who sustain life through food, story and shelter, a cup of this blend sets any mood right. Perfect for turning ordinary moments into extraordinary memories scented with the nostalgia of adventures yet to be.
Analina Margarit
You are deceptively mellow at first impression yet carrying a depth charge that will slowly creep up on you, this subtle roast sings with the harmony of sweet cream offset by lingering sparks of cigar box spice and red chili heat. The initial nuttiness gradually gives way to reveal the habañero fire lurking further below the surface - betraying the quietly fierce convictions hiding in its core. Despite an outward gentleness belying a stubborn strength within, it manages to balance smoldering intensity with diplomatic restraint in each smooth sip. Made from high altitude arabica beans grown by radicals who shine steady as the northern star, it is a stealth surprise for only the most discerning of coffee drinkers - those few who can appreciate such contradictions...and detect the slow-burning brilliance secretly lying beneath an unruffled facade of caramel and almonds.
Francesca Chelsea
You are a bright and sparkling single origin bursting with vibrant fruit notes of faith and endless possibility - this lively golden light roast launches each day with optimism and flair. Undertones of stone fruits, milk chocolate and spun sugar skip across the tongue, blending courage with levity in each sip. Its effervescent acidity summons people together into impromptu communities of laughter and concern, drawn in by its magnetic charisma. With a momentum that echoes revival hymns under mountain stars, it seems to launch inspiring new adventures and daring expeditions from within the security of warm conversations between kindred spirits. For those undaunted by the unknown wilderness beyond their current horizons who set out to uncover hidden vistas armed only with camaraderie and fresh-brewed hopes. The perfect jumpstart for boldly gathering new friends or chasing skyward dreams without fear holding you back.
November 21, 2023 - Two weeks before Gretchen passed.
Note: This is the manuscript I read from during Gretchen’s Celebration of Life on January 12, 2024.
