Surely There Is a Future

Gretchen knew better than anyone how much I would strive to see around the corner. Through most of our marriage I would be killing myself straining to anticipate the future. In this regard, she and I were the opposite. She was always in the here and now; fully connected in the present moment. You only had to see her face to know everything. Her face was always reflecting real life with all it’s emotion, warmth, joy, frustration, and laughter. She never found distance or indifference fashionable.

For all my futile futuring, I never once considered that Gretchen would have cancer before she was 40, nor that the last quarter of our marriage would be a cancer journey. For all my vain vigilance, I could not save her, nor us from her suffering and death.

A few years ago, I stopped thinking much about the future.
I stopped dreaming all together.
I knew what was coming around the corner.
The future became a place where Gretchen was dead,
and I did not want to spend anytime there.

A few months ago, I stopped thinking much about the past,
I stopped reflecting on it all together,
especially December 2023.
The recent past became a place where Gretchen suffered and died,
and I did not want to spend anytime there.

Walking into the future

We would always walk. We would move through time and space, find a path, and talk endlessly. It was a living metaphor for us. We were always on the move—together. I walk by myself now.

Over the past months and miles a new realization is surfacing. The future is open again. It’s not the place of dread it once was. Perhaps the path I am walking is going somewhere good, somewhere godward. Somewhere, God and Gretchen are out ahead in front of me. She is not where I left her in December. Gretchen is now in my future. She is out ahead on the path that I am walking. That as I follow Christ, one day, I will find myself with Him, where she is.

Inscribing encouragement

Gretchen was a godsend to me. My biggest encourager, and God knows I needed one. She was there to rescue me when I would lose hope. As a lasting encouragement, 12 years ago for our 12th anniversary, she gave me a new wedding band. Inside this ring, she inscribed Proverbs 23:17-18. Out of all the verses in the Bible she chose these verses, so that I would never forget what she always wanted me to know—surely there is a future.

Let not your heart envy sinners, but continue in the fear of the Lord all the day. Surely there is a future, and your hope will not be cut off.
- Proverbs 23:17-18

Today, I need a less subtle reminder, so with a big poster and a black sharpie, I have it posted on my bedroom wall. I see this poster when I wake up and when I go to sleep. It’s a real encouragement to me, that no matter how I feel in the present, there is a future where God and Gretchen are. She is there with God. A future we will share together.

So for now—I will keep walking—even if by myself—cause I know there’s a future coming around the corner where I will walk with Gretchen again.